


post-trk conversations

by pendules



Series: post-trk conversations [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Conversations, Crack, Fluff, M/M, Post-The Raven King
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-06-07 15:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6811204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Mostly Ronan/Adam-centric. Mostly set in the months between Chapter 67 and the epilogue (though some may be set after the epilogue). Mostly random and out of order and self-indulgent and probably disjoint in places.</p><p>Some of these got away from me a bit, so I posted them separately:<br/>1. <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6976744">Adam & Gansey (& Ronan) (Feb.)</a><br/>2. <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/7100242">Ronan & Adam (Mar.)</a><br/>3. <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/7422076">Adam & Ronan (Jun.)</a></p>
    </blockquote>





	1. ronan & matthew (jan.)

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly Ronan/Adam-centric. Mostly set in the months between Chapter 67 and the epilogue (though some may be set after the epilogue). Mostly random and out of order and self-indulgent and probably disjoint in places.
> 
> Some of these got away from me a bit, so I posted them separately:  
> 1\. [Adam & Gansey (& Ronan) (Feb.)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6976744)  
> 2\. [Ronan & Adam (Mar.)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7100242)  
> 3\. [Adam & Ronan (Jun.)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7422076)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Matthew's coming to stay this weekend," Ronan tells him one evening in January._

"Matthew's coming to stay this weekend," Ronan tells him one evening in January.

Adam's looks up at him from where he's curled up on the couch making Chemistry notes. "Oh. That's good." Ronan knows he's thinking the same thing; the Barns has been even quieter than usual these days, even with the three of them here most of the time, and Matthew's always dependable for noise and whimsy and laughter. They probably all could use his bright, effervescent presence.

He swallows before saying the rest. "I haven't — uh, I haven't told him about _us_ yet."

" _Oh_ ," Adam says again, looking slightly warier now. "Do you want me to —?" _Leave? Not be here?_

"No," he says immediately. "That's not what I — I _am_ going to tell him. I just wanted to do it in person. I was going to, over Christmas, but there was a lot of other stuff going on —" 

"Right. Of course. Do you need —?" _To talk about it? Help? For me to do anything?_

Ronan shakes his head. He's grateful for the offer, but he knows he has to do this part alone.

"No, it's fine. I'm good. I just need a couple minutes with him when he gets here." 

"Yeah, sure," he says quietly, reaching out to gently wrap his fingers around Ronan's wrist. Ronan leans down to brush a quick kiss over his forehead.

*

"Adam's here?" Matthew asks distractedly, glancing over at the parked Hondayota as he gets out of Ronan's car and trudges up the porch steps.

"Yeah." Ronan follows him through the front door and drops Matthew's bag on the living room floor. 

"He's here a lot, huh?" he says, turning back to look at him. It's not a _bad_ look, just a mixture of curiosity and something vaguely like _concern_.

"Yeah."

"Cool. You shouldn't be alone." He wants to say he's _not_ ; he has Opal and Chainsaw and the deer and cows…but he knows it's not really the same.

"Are you _worried_ about me?" It feels like a brand new sensation.

"Declan is."

Ronan rolls his eyes. "Tell him I'm perfectly fucking capable of being by myself without incurring disaster."

"He _knows_ that. But he doesn't _want_ you to be."

Ronan sighs. "Listen. I need to tell you something."

"Yeah?" he says, already sounding like he's zoning out of this conversation.

Ronan does his smoker's exhale before letting the words fall out. "Adam and I — It's — We're kind of… _together_."

Matthew just stares at him for a moment, eyes out of focus.

" _Oh_ ," he says, gaze snapping back up to his face. "Like _together_ together?"

" _Yes_ ," he says, impatiently. "Definitely _together_ together."

"Oh, that's —" He furrows his eyebrows. "Wait, does Declan know?"

"I don't know. Maybe. The things Declan knows and does not know will possibly always remain a mystery."

Matthew considers that for a few moments and then just says, "You're not going to make out in front of me, are you? Because that's kind of gross."

"Don't be a shithead," Ronan says, grinning, reaching out to ruffle his curls.

He seems to put something together then. "You really like him, huh?"

"Yeah, I really like him," he says with a softer smile.

"Cool."

*

Saturday morning, Ronan wakes up and finds the two of them giggling at each other in the kitchen as Matthew attempts to teach Adam their secret handshake. He's pretty sure something's burning in a pan on the stove, but he doesn't really care.

He just stands in the doorway, silently watching them for as long as he can.


	2. adam & blue (jan.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It's the end of their first week back at school for the new year and they're sitting in Harry's and Ronan's in the bathroom and Gansey's outside on the phone and Blue turns to Adam with a disconcerting kind of look on her face._

It's the end of their first week back at school for the new year and they're sitting in Harry's and Ronan's in the bathroom and Gansey's outside on the phone and Blue turns to Adam with a disconcerting kind of look on her face.

"So you and Ronan, huh?" she says, licking gelato off her spoon. It feels like she's been waiting for this; they haven't really been properly alone together for a while so this is their first chance to actually talk about it.

"Yeah. I guess." He shrugs.

"So, is he a good kisser?" she asks abruptly.

"What? Why do you want to know _that_?" he asks, only narrowly avoiding spitting his own mouthful out onto the table.

"No reason. I just — He _seems_ like a good kisser," she says casually.

Adam laughs at that, swallows, suddenly feeling less nervous.

"Well, you _could_ say that," he concedes.

"Wait — Did you do _more_ than kiss?" she says suspiciously.

"What? I didn't _say_ that," he blurts out, probably too quickly, too defensively.

"More like...second base?" she prods. "… _Third_?"

"God, _stop_. Why are you _asking_ me this?" he says, bending his head, putting his other hand over his face.

"Oh my god. _ADAM._ You _did_ ," she says in a shrill whisper.

"Yeah…maybe we _did_ ," he says quietly, still not looking at her.

"So…how was it?"

" _Jesus_ , Blue," he says, screwing his face up in embarrassment before meeting her gaze. He's probably a fierce shade of pink now. He looks around shiftily in case Ronan or Gansey are on their way back to the booth.

"Sorry. I'm just curious," Blue says, more gently. "But you don't have to —"

He takes a deep breath. "I don't know. We didn't really know what we were doing. So it was weird. But _good_ weird."

"Good," Blue says, smiling at him. "I'm glad. You deserve it. Not just the sex part. The _Ronan_ part. Having someone who cares about you, I mean."

"I don't just have _him_."

"No, you don't," she agrees.

Gansey comes back in then, narrowing his eyes at them. "Wait, what did I miss?"

"Something too obscene for your delicate ears," Blue responds. Gansey looks even more confused.

"What are we talking about?" Ronan says, reappearing, gently bumping his shoulder against Adam's as he slides into the booth. "Something obscene?"

"Yeah," Adam says, resting his hand on Ronan's knee. "We were just talking about the mating rituals of Pygmy tyrants."

" _Fascinating_ ," Gansey and Ronan say at the same time, in completely opposite tones.

Adam and Blue catch each other's eyes and burst into laughter.


	3. ronan & adam (mar.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _One morning in spring, Adam looks up from his breakfast and meets his eyes and just says, "It _is_ simple."_

One morning in spring, Adam looks up from his breakfast and meets his eyes and just says, "It _is_ simple." 

It kind of feels like a continuation of a conversation from a long time ago, with someone else, with _himself_.

"What is?" he asks, curious about what he's thinking about, why he's bringing it up now. Maybe it has something to do with the college acceptance letters that are probably in the mail at this very moment.

Adam takes a breath before reaching out and taking his hand with his own on the table. " _This_. I mean, you know —" He doesn't say the word; he probably won't for a while. He doesn't need to.

"Is it?" Maybe it feels that way, now, every time he looks at Adam, but it didn't always. It's impossible to know what you want, where you belong, when you're not even sure who you _are_.

"Yeah. I think that's what I had to figure out before —"

"And how _did_ you figure it out?"

"You make me happy," he says at once. "And I want _you_ to be happy. That's — that's _it_ , isn't it?"

"Yeah," Ronan says with a small nod and smile. "That's it."

Adam smiles back at him for a second before shaking his head slightly incredulously and saying, "Gansey's shit at explaining things."

Ronan laughs. "I mean, I'm not doubting _that_ , but he sure does _try_." It's not like _Ronan's_ any better at expressing feelings, so he's not going to disparage Gansey's attempts at it. And then he realises he's probably missing something important now. " _Wait_ , when did you talk to _Gansey_ about this, anyway?"

"Oh, you know…" he says, not looking at him now.

"What? _Seriously?_ He just said 'It's a night for truth' in his bossy, old man dad-voice and you told him we _made out_?"

"I just — I was confused," he says quietly.

"Yeah, I _know_ ," Ronan says, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "I just didn't think you'd be one to kiss and tell, Parrish." 

He smirks smugly. Adam rolls his eyes exasperatedly.

"What did he say anyway?" he asks casually.

"Oh, you know, threatened to kick my ass if I broke your heart," Adam deadpans.

He lets out a low whistle. He can't deny he's kind of touched by Gansey wanting to defend his honour (not that he needs it), but he also feels pretty insulted on Adam's behalf. That can't have been easy to hear when he was only still working out his own feelings.

" _Damn_. Do I need to kick _his_ ass?"

"No, it wasn't — He just wanted me to be sure before doing anything." Ronan can tell that he knows now that Gansey's intentions, like always, were good. That he isn't scared of that, of hurting him, even if he was before.

"And you _are_ sure, right?" He tries to keep his tone light, but it's only half-joking.

"God, _shut up_. You're stuck with me, if that wasn't obvious before."

" _Good_ ," he says earnestly, before leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek.


	4. gansey & ronan (feb.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He plans it so that Ronan can't physically run away or drive away from this conversation._

It's been a month. Gansey decides it's time to bring it up, as cautiously as possible.

He plans it so that Ronan can't physically run away or drive away from this conversation. He waits until the BMW stops in front of Aglionby one morning, waits for Ronan to lean over and kiss Adam goodbye, waits for him to get out. He bumps fists with Adam in greeting and then simply takes his place in the passenger seat and says, "I need to talk to Ronan for a second. Go on without me."

Adam raises an eyebrow, and they both know he's probably going to be late for first period, but Gansey just waves him off and he slowly turns and follows the trickle of students onto the school green.

Ronan doesn't look at him, just stares out the windshield, hands loosely wrapped around the steering wheel.

"So, you're just not coming back to school?" he says quietly, hopefully not judgmentally. 

" _Gansey_ —" he starts, as murderously as expected.

"I just want to know," he says tersely.

"Why do you even give a fuck? Adam doesn't, and —"

"You really think he doesn't?" Gansey cuts in. "There's a difference between not caring and trusting you to make your own decision."

"Yeah, exactly. It's _my_ decision. Now that we've established that, can you get out of my fucking car? I have shit to do." He stubbornly looks out his own window, his fingers gripping the wheel tighter now.

" _Ronan_ —" He sighs. "This isn't just about _now_. What about the rest of your life? What if you actually _want_ to go to college at some point? What if —?"

"What if you stopped acting like you're _actually_ my fucking father?" he says in a low growl.

" _Ronan_ ," he says, urgent, desperate. And then, after a pause, because he knows he needs to hear it even if it ends in disaster, " _You're_ not your father."

It feels like the words shatter something between them. Maybe something _inside_ Ronan. He wonders if he's going to bodily throw him out of the car now.

But Ronan just laughs, a bitter, ugly thing. "I _know_ that. But thanks for the reminder."

"You can have whatever you want, you know," he says, earnestly. "And not just things you can dream."

"I know that," he says again, less harshly.

" _Do_ you, really?"

"I have _you_ , don't I? And Adam."

"Yeah, you _do_ ," he agrees.

Ronan exhales, head bowed, closes his eyes for a moment before opening them, like he's made a decision. "I'm happy," he says finally. "I'm happy with what I have. I didn't think I'd ever have _any_ of this. And I don't know how to begin to want anything else right now."

It feels like _truth_ , and that's all he can ask for.

Gansey nods. "Okay," he breathes out. "One step at a time, right?"

"Sounds good," Ronan says, meeting his gaze for a second. "Now get out of my car for real. You're gonna have to explain why you're late and you'll probably be disgustingly charming and everyone will hate you. Is _that_ what you want, Dick?"

"Okay," he says again, brighter, before opening the door.

He taps three times on the roof when he gets out and closes the door and Ronan glances across at him with a faint smile on his face before slowly driving off.

He considers it a win, walking through the deserted school green, a good eleven minutes after the hour, coming up with the best tardy excuse ever that might actually earn a tear or two if he's lucky. He kind of feels lucky today.


	5. adam & ronan (aug.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Adam's leaving for school in a week and they're sitting on the porch steps, drinking lemonade and watching the sun set, quietly soaking up their last days of summer at the Barns._

Adam's leaving for school in a week and they're sitting on the porch steps, drinking lemonade and watching the sun set, quietly soaking up their last days of summer at the Barns.

"So, we're really doing this, right?" Ronan asks, when their glasses are empty and the sky's gone dark indigo, the first stars starting to peek through, his voice small and toneless and unlike him.

"What?" Adam asks, only absently curious. He's tired in that content way you only feel after a long, full, extremely satisfying day. It's how most of the summer's been. He's going to miss it but he's so grateful that he _had_ it at the same time. And he'll be back in a few months and it'll be like he never left. He hopes.

"The whole — The whole _thing_ ," Ronan says, like he's frustrated suddenly, like he's struggling with something inside him. "Long-distance. Whatever the fuck."

"I thought that was implied," he says, frowning slightly, turning to study his face now.

"So, it hasn't just been a nice dream or something — All of this —"

"What are you talking about?" he says, feeling like he's missing something. Something dark and unsettling, a doubt, a fear, that Ronan's been trying to hide. That's probably been growing every day as his departure draws closer. It should've been obvious, only he wasn't _looking_ for it. Ronan doesn't hide things from him very often anymore; it's a worrying sign.

"I mean, I know it's probably not going to be _easy_ or whatever," Ronan says, sounding almost pained. 

"What are you even trying to say?" he asks abruptly, tired of the vagueness. He'd assumed the time of half-truths between them was long gone. "Nothing _real_ is ever easy, Ronan. And I knew what this was when you kissed me."

"I know, but — You can change your mind," he says, with a rueful shrug.

"Are you asking if I want to break up with you?" he asks hollowly, feeling completely thrown for a loop.

"I don't know," he says, combative, the way Adam knows he gets when he's anticipating a rejection. " _Do_ you?"

Adam just stares at the profile of his face in the glow of the fireflies around them, trying to decipher what he's thinking. If he really thinks Adam wants that or if he's just making sure he knows he has a choice. His eyes are hooded, head bent solemnly, almost prayerfully, expression unreadable.

"I had a chance to change my mind months ago," he says, as matter-of-factly as possible. "I swear, only _you_ could make a first kiss feel like a marriage proposal —"

"And you said yes," Ronan finishes, sounding slightly hopeful now, raising his head a fraction.

"Yeah, I said yes," Adam tells him, voice resolved, gaze unwavering.

"It's not _actually_ a marriage proposal, though, you know," Ronan says after a second, soberly, meeting his eyes now, like he _needs_ him to know that.

"Hey, you let me drive your _car_ ," Adam points out with a small smirk.

"I let you drive my car because I love you," Ronan breathes out, all at once, so earnest and absolute that it almost makes him want to cry.

"God, don't _say_ things like that." _He_ can't look at Ronan now, staring down at his own feet, twisting his hands together in his lap.

"Hey, _you're_ the one who just said we were basically married," Ronan says, a clear attempt to break the tension.

"You're an asshole." He laughs shakily, incredulously. _How did he ever get to this place —_

"Adam —" he says, serious and intent now, reaching out to squeeze his hand. "It's okay, you don't have to —"

Adam intertwines their fingers before lifting his head and surging up to meet Ronan's lips with his own, kissing the rest of his words away, gentle and sweet and hot and firm and lingering. Ronan pulls him close and sighs against his mouth like he can breathe now for the first time in his life.

"I love you too. _Idiot_ ," he says, grinning, when he pulls away.

Ronan brushes his thumb over his cheek, looking at him wide-eyed and awed, like he still can't quite believe he gets to have this even after all this time. " _Good_ ," he says simply. 

Adam brings their mouths together again, feeling warm and electric and _alive_. He knows now, deep down inside a place he's only recently discovered, the place he keeps every precious memory and moment and thing he treasures above the rest, the place where magic lives, that he's always going to want to be here with him, just like this, no matter what the future holds.


	6. adam & ronan (dec.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Adam wakes up to golden sunlight streaming through the window in front of him and the press of a warm body behind him one morning in December._

Adam wakes up to golden sunlight streaming through the window in front of him and the press of a warm body behind him one morning in December. It's as still as the first morning he woke in this house; the only sound now is of Ronan's steady breathing. He doesn't move an inch, body almost frozen, eyes open, until he feels him start to stir. Ronan doesn't move farther away like he thought he might have; he just wraps his arms even more tightly around Adam's waist, exhales against his bare shoulder, as he feels his eyelids flutter open. 

"Hey," he says, voice gravelly and slow and content, lips brushing where Adam knows there's a cluster of freckles that he seems to be particularly fond of.

"Hey," Adam says, knowing it comes out slightly uncertain.

"You okay?" Ronan asks, sounding more awake now, like he can feel the tension in him, and he probably can feel _everything_ this close to him. There's no hiding anymore. He's realising more and more, though, that he doesn't _want_ to hide anything from him.

"Yeah," he says, shaking his head, trying to shake away the surreality of this moment. "It's just — we're in your _bed_." 

They were too exhausted to really _do_ anything more than sleep last night, though. They'd just lazily made out for a while, shirts coming off at some point, until they'd passed out wrapped around each other. It still feels somewhat like a milestone, though, even if acknowledging so is probably embarrassing and not remotely casual.

He feels Ronan's smile against his skin. "Yeah? Liking it?"

" _Shut up_." He's grateful Ronan can't see his face, though; his blush is probably visible from space. But he relaxes, then, lets himself lean back into Ronan's touch, into his warm, solid, real body.

"Can't remember the last time I slept so well," Ronan says seriously now.

"I'm glad," Adam tells him, intertwining his fingers with Ronan's, holding their hands close to his chest.

"I think — It makes the nightmares quieter," he says softly.

"What? Being here?"

"Not just that," he says. He takes a breath before adding, "Being around _you_."

Something inside him aches, then. He never knew exactly why Ronan would show up at his apartment at all hours of the night. He assumed he wanted something he didn't know how to ask for, something Adam probably wouldn't have known how to give him, but that's all he needed — to be near to him. He wouldn't have understood the impulse then, but now Adam's all too familiar with the safe, calming effect of Ronan's presence on _him_.

"I _know_ ," he says firmly. "I mean — I know how you feel."

"Yeah?" he says, only half-teasing. It's not like he's been trying to hide it, even if he hasn't said it out loud yet.

"Yeah. I — I feel it too," he murmurs.

He feels Ronan go absolutely still for a moment, like he's stopped breathing, and then he feels his fingertips lightly trail over his ribs, like he's making sure he's real. He presses a kiss to the nape of his neck and doesn't say anything, but it feels like gratitude.

"I didn't know," he continues quietly. "Before. What it was. But now that I do — I don't ever want to let it go."

He brings Ronan's hand to his mouth now and tenderly kisses the knuckles. He hears Ronan's breath hitch.

" _Jesus_ , Parrish," he says, voice sounding hoarse. "That's kind of heavy for this early — I'm only _just_ getting used to having you in my bed."

" _Asshole_ ," he says, rolling his eyes and gently kicking his shin with his heel, but he's grinning at the same time. "I was _trying_ to bare my soul to you over here —"

"I know," he says earnestly. "Me too. I mean — I want that too."

"Yeah?" he says, breathless, hopeful.

" _Always_ ," Ronan promises, squeezing his hand. He can feel it, in his voice, in his body, the weight of it, the truth. It feels like everything he's ever wanted; it feels like forever.


	7. ronan & adam (jan.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Shut up," he says, rolling his eyes exasperatedly. "Do you even _know_ how hard it is to concentrate on fixing a broken alternator when I can't stop thinking about _touching_ you —" He sounds genuinely distressed and it makes warmth pool in his stomach even as he feels a twinge of sympathy for him. It's not like he doesn't have a very keen understanding of his exact plight. He can't resist revelling in being the object of Adam's intense attraction at least for one smug moment, though._

Ronan's dreaming on the couch when he hears the front door creak open. He knows Adam would understand if he kept going, but he hasn't made much progress over the course of the entire day, and he figures he could really use a break.

Only then he opens his eyes and sits up and sees the look on Adam's face. "Hey, are you —?"

"No, don't get up," Adam says quickly, closing the door behind him. And then, before he knows it, he's dropped his bag on the floor and crossed the space between them and planted himself firmly in Ronan's lap.

He presses him back into the soft leather, hands on the sides of his neck, cutting off the surprised noise that escapes his throat with his lips. His hands find Adam's hips and he grips them almost painfully tight as he holds on for dear life but it only seems to encourage him. He slides his tongue into his mouth and Ronan lets out a moan that he eagerly swallows like he's hungry for it, for how utterly undone he's rendered by Adam's hands and mouth and body.

"Hey," he says stupidly when they finally separate, breathing hard, blinking rapidly in confusion.

"Hi," Adam says, sounding almost shy even as he continues pressing light kisses along his jawline, eyes still closed.

"So, does this mean you're happy to see me?" Ronan teases, still feeling dazed. He's pretty certain his brain isn't entirely back online yet.

"Asshole," Adam says but he's smiling against his skin.

Ronan waits a minute until he's caught his breath. "You okay?" he asks seriously now, hands coming up to rest on the small of Adam's back.

Adam sighs before looking him in the eye. He shakes his head, looking slightly embarrassed. "Sorry, I just — Work was pretty shitty and schoolwork's already piling up even though we've only been back for a week and it's all just a lot to handle —"

"Can I do anything?" Ronan asks gently.

"No," he says, and Ronan knows it's an ingrained response.

He lifts his eyebrows, questioningly, skeptically, and he sees Adam slowly drop his defences. It's still his default reaction, he's still learning how to ask for and accept help from him, but Ronan knows he's gradually getting more comfortable being vulnerable with him.

"I mean — _this_ is enough. I was just thinking about kissing you the whole time," he admits quietly.

He's going a mild shade of pink now. 

Ronan smirks. "What _else_ were you thinking about, huh?"

"Shut up," he says, rolling his eyes exasperatedly. "Do you even _know_ how hard it is to concentrate on fixing a broken alternator when I can't stop thinking about _touching_ you —" He sounds genuinely distressed and it makes warmth pool in his stomach even as he feels a twinge of sympathy for him. It's not like he doesn't have a very keen understanding of his exact plight. He can't resist revelling in being the object of Adam's intense attraction at least for one smug moment, though.

"Hey, it's not _my_ fault that you're ridiculously weak for this hot piece of ass," he says apologetically.

" _Classy_ ," Adam deadpans.

"At least it's a good distraction, though, right?"

" _Too_ good of a distraction, maybe —" He trails off as he squints at the juncture where Ronan's jaw meets his neck. "Ugh, shit, I got grease on you," he says, vigorously rubbing at the spot with his thumb, which probably isn't exactly helping matters.

"Maybe we can get in the shower before you jump me next time," he suggests, only half-jokingly.

"Sorry," he says, visibly cringing.

"Hey, it's _fine_ ," Ronan says, taking his hand in his own, kissing each finger one by one. "You can mark me up anytime you want."

"Yeah?" Adam says, biting his lip. 

"Yeah," Ronan says, squeezing his hand to his chest before letting it go. 

"So, were you trying to dream something before?" Adam asks, eyes narrowed.

"Uh, yeah," he says, trying to keep his tone even.

"What was it?"

"A surprise," he says simply.

" _Seriously?_ " Adam says, looking suspicious.

"I just — I'll tell you about it later, okay?" He wants it to be perfect before he shares it with him.

"That a promise?"

"You _know_ it is," he tells him sincerely.

Adam nods, seemingly satisfied with that answer. "So, what are we doing _now_ , then?" he asks expectantly.

"You know," Ronan says casually. "If you're in need of some more _stress relief_ , we can always go upstairs —"

Adam just looks at him, mouth slightly parted, pupils going wide.

"I can do that thing we were talking about —" he adds, tentatively. They've gotten each other off a couple times in the past few weeks but it was only after the last one that he'd whispered "I want to _taste_ you next time" in Adam's ear and he can still vividly remember how he'd shivered under him and the way his breath had hitched at the mere suggestion.

"Yeah?" Adam says, voice rough, raising an eyebrow.

"Unless you have homework —"

" _No_ ," Adam says immediately, and then flushes again. "I mean, yeah, I do — but it can wait."

"You sure?"

"Definitely," he says softly. 

He leans back in and kisses his cheek before sliding sideways off of him and onto the couch. Ronan slowly gets to his feet and pulls Adam up with him and, with their hands still intertwined, he leads him in the direction of the stairs.


	8. adam & ronan (& aurora) (jun.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Adam finds him at Aurora's grave the morning after he goes to see his parents for the last time._

Adam finds him at Aurora's grave the morning after he goes to see his parents for the last time. (He knows that he visits her grave at least once every month, and he always offers to go with him but Ronan always says it's okay, he's fine, and he figures it's just something he has to do on his own. Ronan's doing better, he knows. He still gets quiet and distant sometimes but it's been happening more rarely. This time, though, when he finds Opal playing outside after sleeping in late and asks her where he'd gone, she just says, "He went to see his mom," and it sends icy shards through his heart.)

He's standing motionless, shoulders sagging, hands hanging limp and useless at his sides. There are flowers in unimaginable, impossible bursts of colours at his feet. Adam approaches slowly until he's standing right next to him. He slides his hand into Ronan's. Ronan doesn't turn to look at him; he just laces his fingers through Adam's and holds on tight. 

They stand there for what feels like a long time.

"I wonder what she'd think," Ronan says eventually, voice rough.

"About what?" Adam asks quietly.

"Me. Not graduating. Staying here. Everything." He's frowning slightly, his eyebrows knit together. He wonders if this is something that's been weighing on him, something he could only tell Adam at this precise moment because he's the only one who can understand now, somehow. Because he's been through it all with him and it feels like they've, miraculously, come out the other side.

"I think she'd want you to be happy," Adam says gently. It feels like the most truthful answer.

Ronan nods dazedly at that, his expression far away.

"She liked you, you know," he says a minute later, sounding more like himself.

"She liked _all_ of us." It's not self-deprecating, just honest. Ronan needed all of them in the aftermath, both his new and old families, not only him. And Aurora had accepted his friends as family, had loved them, because she could tell what they meant to Ronan. He's been thinking about her more, now that the nightmares are subsiding, about her before, in Cabeswater, her ethereal light, her curiosity, her infinite affection and kindness. The things given and taught to Matthew and to Ronan. The things that pervade this half-dream land of theirs. They can still find her here: in her favourite books and songs, in the scent of her favourite flowers, in the shade of her favourite trees. In the dream creatures she loved and would have loved. He knows Ronan will always carry her with him. He knows she's grateful that he doesn't have to do it alone.

"She'd be proud of you," Ronan says, like he knows it's something he needs to hear.

Adam nods. "She'd be proud of both of us." Ronan may have Niall's face, but it's Aurora he sees in him the most now: in his tenderness and protectiveness and his wild imagination and his wonder and his dreams full of light. Not having her with him is a constant ache, but he's woven the threads of his pain into beauty, into eternal tributes, so she won't ever be forgotten.

"I _am_ happy, you know," Ronan says, soft but resolved, looking across at him.

Adam gives him a small but genuine smile. "Good."

"I'm glad you're here," he says, holding his gaze. He knows he doesn't just mean being here right now, or staying at the Barns with him, but all of it. Every day since and every day to come. It's not something he's ever had to say before, but Adam feels it in every warm morning kiss, every content smile when Adam walks through the door after a long day, every time Ronan reaches out and takes his hand, every time he meets his eyes like he's doing now.

"Me too," Adam says earnestly.

Adam slips his arm around Ronan's waist and Ronan puts his arm around Adam's shoulders and they stay there for a while longer, leaning into each other, breathing in the sweet, fresh air, remembering and dreaming.


	9. adam & ronan (dec.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When Adam gets out of the car, Ronan's standing in the exact same spot on the porch he'd found him that night he knows was just a few weeks before but almost feels like a lifetime ago now._

When Adam gets out of the car, Ronan's standing in the exact same spot on the porch he'd found him that night he knows was just a few weeks before but almost feels like a lifetime ago now.

He takes the steps slowly and turns around when he's at his side, following Ronan's gaze to the tree line. They stay there, surrounded by fireflies, breathing in the cold air, watching the deer, until Adam breaks the silence.

"How are you doing?" he asks quietly. He hasn't really talked to him much in the last two days, except for calling to let him know he'd be coming over this evening. He'd gotten caught up in work and school and letting himself fall back into his old grind that probably hadn't felt as important as everything else going on in his life lately but which almost feels like a relief now — he can't deny that maybe he'd appreciated the temporary distraction, going through the familiar motions, forgetting for at least a few hours at a time all the horrors they'd endured, even if he does feel a twinge of guilt now.

Ronan shrugs. Adam doesn't know if that's all he'll get from him yet. Ronan mostly oscillates between quiet and distant and frighteningly vulnerable these days and he hasn't been around to know which spell he currently is in. He holds his breath.

"Okay, I guess," Ronan says eventually. "All things considered. I mean, still pretty shitty, but an _almost_ bearable kind of shitty."

He sounds more like himself than he has in a while. Adam exhales.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around —" he starts, apologetically.

"It's fine," Ronan cuts him off. "I know you have your own life to live."

"Yeah, but I wanted to — I _want_ to be here." He feels frustrated with his own lack of ability to say everything he wants to, everything Ronan needs to hear, always fumbling over every sentence, trying to find the precise combination of words that feel the most honest.

"I know you do. But you can't always be. It's okay. I'm okay on my own." Ronan's face is impassive now and it gives him pause.

He doesn't know how much of it he really means and how much of it is him wanting Adam to not be worried about him, wanting to absolve him of that weight on top of every other responsibility he's carrying on his shoulders. He understands the impulse and he wants Ronan to be okay more than anything, but he wants him to know it's okay to admit he's _not_ too, it's okay to admit he wants Adam here with him. No part of this, of them, is ever going to feel anything like an obligation. Adam wants to look him in the eyes and tell him he's not alone so that he _really_ believes it, but he's still not sure how to begin, so he reaches out and takes his hand instead and Ronan laces his fingers through his, squeezes it gently.

"Have you been sleeping?" he asks after a moment passes.

Ronan shrugs noncommittally again.

"Is it bad?" he continues, already dreading the answer.

Ronan takes a breath before responding. "It's not really about my dreams. Waking up is the hard part."

Adam sighs heavily. "It'll get better. I mean — I know it hurts like hell. And that pain probably won't ever completely go away. But you'll live through it." He isn't really sure that it's the truth right now but _he_ has to believe it, for Ronan.

Ronan nods. "She wouldn't want me — you know, self-destructing or whatever."

"No, she wouldn't," Adam agrees. "But you can't just do it for her. You have to do it for you too."

"I know. The difference is, I _want_ to live through it this time." He sounds like he means it with everything he has, and Adam's never been so grateful for anything.

Adam gives him a small, rueful smile before turning his gaze back to the deer.

They stand in silence for a few more minutes. He bites his lip, eyebrows furrowed, wondering if it's the right time to have this conversation. He decides to try, as tactfully as possible.

"So, we probably should talk about it, huh?"

"What?"

"You know — _this_ ," he says significantly, raising their intertwined hands a fraction for emphasis.

"Oh — the kissing, you mean?"

Adam feels his lips quirk the tiniest bit. "Yeah, the _kissing_. Among other things."

"What about it?"

"I don't know — I just — I think I'd like if it happened again," he says tentatively, feeling a mild flush crawling up his neck. Ronan _has_ kissed him a few times in the weeks after, but they were brief, chaste, almost offhand gestures, and Adam knew he needed space to come to terms with everything and he didn't want to push him into anything or even bring it up until Ronan was ready. But sometimes he feels a desperate ache to be close to him, to comfort him the way he wants to but words alone can't achieve. Maybe Ronan doesn't want that right now, or maybe he does but he hasn't been able to ask either.

"Yeah," Ronan says, voice hoarse. 

"I mean, if you _want_ to —"

"I want to kiss you all the time," he admits, slightly breathless. "I'm just — kind of a mess right now."

"I know. It's okay. We can take it slow," he says, firmly meeting his eyes.

"I can't promise I won't cry on you, though," Ronan says with a ghost of his old smirk. "Fair warning."

Adam feels a real smile tug at his lips for what feels like the first time in a really long time.

"Shut up," he says before leaning up and softly but deliberately pressing his mouth to Ronan's.


	10. ronan & adam (jul.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I know you're looking at me," Ronan says without opening his eyes._
> 
> _He feels Adam shift over on the mattress as he quietly mumbles, "I _wasn't_ ," defensively, the way he always does._

"I know you're looking at me," Ronan says without opening his eyes.

He feels Adam shift over on the mattress as he quietly mumbles, "I _wasn't_ ," defensively, the way he always does.

His lips quirk and he reaches out to gently skim his fingers along the tender skin on Adam's waist, up his side, over his shoulder, finally letting them come to rest on the juncture between his neck and jaw, before leaning in to press a warm kiss to his mouth. Adam tilts his face up into it, sliding his body closer to Ronan's, their legs tangling together, one hand finding his hip.

"You're _allowed_ to look, you know," Ronan whispers against his lips. "I mean, you've seen _a lot_ more of me."

"I _know_ — But I _wasn't_ —" he says, shaking his head. He lets out a breath. "I was just thinking."

"Mmm. _Shocker_ ," he says, kissing his jaw. Then, more soberly, "About what?"

"About — about _this_ ," Adam says quietly, meeting his eyes significantly. "I mean — did you ever imagine we'd end up here? Like, the first time we met."

Ronan hums under his breath. "The first time I saw you," he muses, "I thought you were fucking beautiful."

" _Shut up_. You _didn't_ ," Adam says incredulously.

"What? I _totally_ fucking did," Ronan insists.

"Yeah? And then what?" Adam says, eyes narrowed, sounding curious despite himself.

" _Then_ , I thought it would go away. But it only got worse. I think listening to you talk about fucking alternate dimensions or whatever the hell was the only time I actually felt _present_ in a fucking Aglionby classroom."

"Yeah, quantum mechanics really revs my engine too," Adam says with a smirk.

"It _was_ pretty hot watching you school all those pompous assholes," Ronan admits.

"Are you saying you were attracted to my big… _brain_?" he teases.

"Shut up. You know I only want you for your body, Parrish," Ronan says, trailing his hand down to lie on the small of his back, just above the waistband of his underwear.

Adam sighs appreciatively and presses his body even closer, wrapping his arms around his waist, looking up at him through his fair eyelashes.

"I used to like thinking about there being other universes," he says breathily. "Like, maybe in one of them, I'd have everything I wanted."

Ronan nods, curls his fingers into Adam's soft hair, leans down to brush his lips over his forehead.

He lets his eyes fall shut again as Adam tucks his head under his chin, wraps his arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly against him. "I think I always kind of knew. Or I _hoped_ anyway. Even when it felt dangerous. Even when I was at my worst. It was torture being around you, but I didn't want it to stop."

They're both absolutely silent for a minute, and then —

"I used to sneak peeks at your tattoo in gym class," Adam blurts out.

"What?" Ronan says, lifting his eyebrows, delighted and amused.

Adam presses his face into his chest, presumably to hide his embarrassment. "It wasn't _just_ that. I used to watch you doodling weird stuff in class sometimes too. And sometimes I would eavesdrop on you and Gansey while I was pretending to get something out of my locker. I liked listening to you talk, even if you were saying the most heinous shit. Some of your insults were _actually_ pretty clever. And I was _really_ fucking jealous of how good you were at Latin."

" _Jesus Christ_ , Parrish, how long have you been holding all that in?"

"I was prepared to take it to my grave," he says solemnly. "So don't tell anyone. Or I'll obviously have to kill you."

"Damn, I can't believe you were checking me out all this time. I mean, I'm not _surprised_ , but —"

" _Asshole_."

"Well, _clearly_ , you're into assholes."

"Really _unfortunately attractive_ assholes," Adam amends.

"Knew you were just using me for my body too, Parrish," Ronan deadpans.

"Well, it _is_ a nice body," Adam says, fingertips tracing patterns on his back, and he can feel his smile against his skin.

"I wouldn't change anything, you know," Ronan says truthfully, lightly grazing his thumb over Adam's cheek. "About this. _Us._ "

"Neither would I," Adam says firmly.

"Even if it seemed impossible then, nothing feels more _right_ than this does now. I think that's what matters."

"It's kind of crazy, though, isn't it?" Adam says, meeting his gaze. "Infinite universes and somehow we managed to find each other in this one."

"Yeah, it's _crazy_ ," Ronan agrees, nodding.


End file.
